A Day in the Life of a Dictator

Whilst working on our surgical specialty unit in the hospital I overheard an awesome conversation...

Nurse 1 {Reading a dictated note from the doctor}: "Patient admitted for Balogne Amputation"
Nurse 2: "Balogne Amputation? Where's that?"
Nurse 1 and 2: {silence}
Nurse 1: "..... I think it's supposed to say Below Knee Amputation..."
Nurse 1 and 2: {Hysterical Laughter}

Tee Hee.....this made me laugh. I had to stifle to conserve my stale pharmacist image.

Where's your balogne?

Things Could Be Worse

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow

that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because 

I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it' s not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood

for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that

marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it. 

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit

so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than a report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home

This is my joke....

Who killed Cap'n Crunch?

P.S. No Cheating!! to those of you who I already told!

9 pm + 2 people + 50 piece chicken nugget = McFAIL

Sarapneumonitis

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"
The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

HP -- NOT Hewlett Packard

I just got an email from the University Hospital announcement people saying that someone has accepted the position as our new Director of the Office of Sustainability.
Sounds like a Harry Potter position. ;D
Just had to share.

Please don't pee in the bushes.

I got this email/newsletter and it made me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh too. :)


"Fellow cyclists,

In an effort to further its reputation as a bicycle friendly city, the City of Holladay has placed a porta-potty on the east side of Wasatch Blvd at approximately 5800 South. This facility was placed as a convenience for the growing number of cyclists on Wasatch Blvd.

Let’s all show the City of Holladay that we appreciate their efforts by using the porta-potty instead of the bushes of the residences along Wasatch.

Please share this email with any and all cycling groups."

Who pees in other people's bushes!?

X Marks the Spot

HEADLINES

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a "series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
Now for the best part...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

This was awesome. Thanks Camille!

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce....forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced..." she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving, and paying their own way."

Confessions of a Diet Stricken Woman

Diet Journal Entries

September 2008: Initiation of diet

Day 1: FAILED
Fritos and Full Throttle is not part of a balanced breakfast. Thanks Brandon.

Day 2: SUCCESS
Dehydration from Full Throttle lead to nausea and large consumption of water.

Day 3: SUCCESS
Still too nauseous to eat a lot.

Day 4: FAILED
Leftover candy from trip looked better than a cardboard boca burger

Day 5: FAILED
Snack Attack

Day 6 (today): FAILED
Caramel Ice Cream Drumstick and Beef Jerky for breakfast

It's a futile cause. Rationalization will be the death of me. It all seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe the Full Throttle idea was a good one....hmmmm.

"....um....Z...."

Wheel of Fortune is not for me:

Fictional Character:
__N__LE
S__M


My guess: Ankle Sam ---> FAIL

Haunted Cinemark on 13th

I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian last night with Brandi, the Beej and his sisters and found out the theater was haunted! In the middle of the movie the projection started dimming and then finally went off, but we could still hear the movie going. "You've got to be kidding me!" we heard from one of the Narnia characters.... we all cracked up. When the movie-man was trying to fix it, the lights would go bright and make a buzzing noise for a second and he just kept trying that and it wasn't working. Next we heard " I wouldn't be trying that boy." Again... extremely funny for the scenario. It was pretty good.
We ended up having to leave without finishing the movie. The beginning was really good so I can't wait to see it "again".

Coincidence?.... I think not. Haunted?.... I think so.

Drum Roll Please.......

The poll has been closed and the votes tallied for "Adulthood Eating Habits".

From the poll we can conclude:

• 80% of us eat Oreos for breakfast
• 50% were force-fed brocolli as a child
• 20% gave in to parent-pressure
• 100% of you are now craving Oreos

So...all my poll really proved is that adults eat like crap no matter how they were fed as a child. So, parents... you can lay off the "eat yer vegetables" or "no dessert 'til you finished everything on yer plate"... it apparently doesn't work and you pretty much just scar them for life and make them hate you.

For real though, a little junk food won't hurt your child as long as they are getting adequate nutrition aside. A good diet makes for strong bones and smart brains... and who doesn't want smart brains. I know, It's easier said than done giving your child a healthy balanced diet when all they want is mac-n-cheese or cookie crisp (which is not part of a balanced breakfast!). Let them splurge at least on their birthday!

Besides... candy gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't. ;)

The Beauty of Adulthood

I couldn't help but contemplate the beauty of adulthood as I grabbed a bag of Oreos and a glass of milk for breakfast at 11:15 this morning, having awoken for the day 15 minutes earlier. You would never get away with this as a child! Parents try in vain to steer their kids clear of bad habits, junk food and late nights just to find out that when they are older, they will do it anyway. So I ask myself...what is the point of doing this to your children?

I want to take a little poll just because I am curious. I want to know if you were forced to eat healthy or a certain way as a child and if you still do it or if you eat worse now because of it. Vice versa....if you were not forced to eat healthy, I want to know if you pig out on oreos for breakfast or if you wait to have a so-called "real" breakfast. Check it out on the right.

Please leave a comment with insight. Whether you have kids or not, I would actually really love to hear your perspective.

...and this does not just apply to food, going to bed early or waking up at a decent hour. I expand this question to all things you make your children do that you don't do yourself. Bathe everyday! Come on!

...and, no, I didn't eat a whole sleeve of oreos as might be mistaken from the picture above. That's just gross.

**Disclaimer: My oreos for breakfast is not a reflection on my mother's child rearing... she gave me ice cream. :) Thanks Mamman!

The Book of Mormon by Dr. Seuss

Thanks Aspen! This is cute. Enjoy.

What if Dr. Seuss Wrote the Book of Mormon?
by K. Taylor

Nephi:
Of goodly parents I was born
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this?
Why this is Sam.
Sam:
Yes, this is Sam, Sam I am
Laman:
That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am
Sam:
In a tent, my father dwelt
Laman:
And it's so hot, I think I'll melt
Lemuel:
Our father's brain is out of whack
Laman:
Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back
Lehi:
Then go and get the plates, my dear
Laman:
On second thought, I'm staying here
Nephi:
You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?
Lemuel:
That Nephi always gets his way
Laman:
Here we are in this damp cave
Sam:
We would not be here if you'd behave
Nephi:
I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think
Nephi:
Look what I found, a brother from the quorum
Sam:
We will take him home, we will call him Zoram
Laman:
Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent
Lemuel:
I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona
Laman:
We hate it here, we have no lives
Lehi:
Then go back to the city and get some wives
Lehi:
A tree, a tree, I see a tree!!
The fruit is white, the fruit is free!
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?
Laman, Lemuel, come and see!
Laman:
We will not eat your precious fruit
Lemuel:
We will not wear a tie and suit
Laman:
We will not help you build your boat
Lemuel:
We do not think that it will float
Laman:
No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote
Lemuel:
We will not eat your fruit I say
Laman:
We will not eat it on a tray
Lemuel:
And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes you rent
Laman:
We'd rather have a can of spam
L&L:
We will not eat it, Sam I am
Sam:
You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say
Laman:
Sam, if you will let us be,
We will try it, you will see
L&L:
Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am!

Massacre at Ridges Manor

(For full effect, turn music off until after you read...then play smooth criminal)

It was a dark cold night. The wind was bellowing violently outside creating a thunderous noise against the side of the house before all went quiet. Suddenly a loud scream pierced the silence. Blood could be seen covering the floors, creating a trail to where the victim lie. It was shiny... fresh, not spilling more than a few minutes previous. As she crept closer, Sara could only imagine what could have caused this horrific scene. The weapon lie near the victim's foot with its sharp blade glinting in the light. As she knelt down to examine the victim's condition the hair on the back of her neck immediately stood on end.
The pool of blood underneath the victim's foot was horrendous. She swiftly grabbed a towel to put pressure on the gushing limb. It was soaking straight through. She knew she had to act quickly or else she may lose the victim to unconsciousness. She shuffled around in a drawer to find the super glue, remembering once being told that it could close wounds. She smothered the severed opening to no avail. The blood spurt right through the liquid barrier. Her only hope would be to hold pressure on the wound until help came.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, a tall handsome man burst through the front door. The bright light in the background prevented his face from being identifiable; however, his unmistakable silhouette was a familiar sight for sore eyes. Sara breathed a deep sigh of relief and realized the victim would be alright.

... Later

As the investigations proceeded as to what happened that night, the mystery couldn't be unraveled by even the best detectives. The case was closed forever.
Was it the work of a Shadow of Nothing?...I think not. This was an act of a devious mastermind with a plan and one plan only. Forever, only Sara will realize that her plan to clip her dog's nails had failed... will she try again?
dun...dun...dun.....

Darwin Awards

What's the saying? It takes all kinds....

The Darwin Awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Just think...until these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.

5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to A San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. MikeDonnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP:Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis arket. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hotdog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP:Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP:"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doingsomething like that," Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP:Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a majorblood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon, Dr Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major bloodvessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.

And Now... THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.However, in his drunken haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool. And just remember you share the planet with these people. Scary thought!

A few too many...I'll say.

She's a Rebel

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. 

The first man had married a woman from the Philippines and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. 

The second man had married a woman from China. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. 

The third man had married a girl from Utah. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and to have hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.